by R.T. Allenson

What lies behind that face, smiling and ever joyous? Deep inside me there is doubt and fear that I am truly alone in this world – my thoughts, my wishes and aspirations all singular and unique.

What assurances are there if they but conceal the truth. If my eyes have failed me, and time has proven it has, then there is another side to everything and this other side is what I want to know. Deep in the recesses of that glimmering stare is something unknowable to me and it is killing me inside as we speak.

It was a stupid thing to do, to make me erudite and add a single flaw that claws inside me; that darkness that is doubt and fear. Here lingering in every word and every whisper, in my head a million battles take place but too frail and helpless I am to do anything but protest.

I have always thought myself ill fit to be among others, let alone one who would call me his own. But it is nothing to scoff that a man may crave another if not for love, companionship and understanding. Perhaps it is too much to ask, or perhaps the darkness is too great a monster to slay and too powerful a god to curse.

Indescribable pain and guilt follows me everywhere, for the god of secret counsels is a cruel god especially if he holds what I seek from me. Why then must I be blessed with knowledge if not to let me know and understand, they take it away as soon as I begun to fathom what it truly is. Perhaps I am alone in this world, truly, but there is always hope and I suppose I only need to cling on to the thin rope of trust and love to survive.

But for how long the surreptitious should evade me, let me know then and leave me at peace, if a single wish I would ask. It truly is better to be fortunate than wise.