Cacophony

by R.T. Allenson


Lights flashing green-red-red-blue; sounds of approval and disapproval. This cacophony breaks the eternal silence but I long for the Earth below…

Time has no more meaning here than down there. And here it is colder than the coldest of cold, do you know how monotonous it is without green-red-red-blue? It is one thing I fear, that this chaotic melody would be lost to me in time. You see, machines last for long, but they don’t last forever. This deep silence does. It goes on and on and on…

Space is vast. They keep telling you that but they don’t really know the meaning in their words. They don’t know how vast and how long the time between here and there is. They don’t tell you that cause, well, cause you’ll never sign up for it if you knew. It’s a stupid thing to sign yourself up for eternity, but still…

Lights flashing green-red-red-blue; sounds of approval and disapproval. This cacophony breaks the eternal silence but I long for the Earth below.

How long has it truly been, Scott? Far too long, he says. Far too long. A few kilometres of metal separate you from the cool, the black gulf that is deeper than deep. Nothing else but metal and glass and sometimes it’s easy to imagine how thin the metal or glass is when you almost feel the darkness outside. It beckons you, you see…It makes you crave it, the unknown, eternity. Time stretches farther and farther into infinity and you sit at the edge of that infinity. It makes you crave that thing outside infinity. What is out there? I’ll never know. The memory of Earth is distant despite it being right below (or above) me. It is a luminous globe in its own right, the Earth…how I long to walk amidst the ground again. Here in this cylinder of glass and metal, there is nothing to remind you of home. It’s a realm of apathy, a prison where the sounds of green-red-red-blue are as familiar as metal grating metal, or time grating into flesh. Time, time, time, time…endless time…

It goes on forever doesn’t it?

Scott doesn’t say anything after my existential rant. I fear that he’s lost his mind in this lonely vigil in space. Poor, poor man. So young – the naive are always the first to snap, but who can blame them? Eternity is long and finding something to do in-between eternity and the end is as difficult as understanding the cacophony of green-red-red-blue. Scott? Scott? I fear he’s died on me. Such a poor, poor man. I’ll be sure to give his family my deepest sympathies.

<…butspaceisdeeperitalwaysisdeeper…>

Lights flashing green-red-red-blue; sounds of approval and disapproval. This cacophony breaks the eternal silence but I long for the Earth below.

I remember the sound of the cylinder thundering through the sky as we first left Earth. I thought it to be the most terrifying sound in the world, knowing that you’re riding a lightning bolt clad in metal and glass and forged by human hands. And this lightning bolt is flying upwards into the edge of the Earth until it dies in the depths of space. Do you know how terrifying that is? Green-red-red-blue knows how scary it is, but no one cares for my opinion these days. I mean…Scott used to, before he died. Now he just drifts around stupidly above my t–t-thinking space like the bits and pieces of metal and glass in our room. Scott is such a tool..

I wonder how things are going on back at Earth. We lost connection to ground control not long after we exited the atmosphere. I keep transmitting but nothing is coming through. I wonder why? Maybe the green-red-red-blue knows…but it’s n-n-never said anything other than that screeching sound that goes on forever and ever and ever. You can almost make out what green-red-red-blue is trying to say but it says, or rather, screeches things too fast and it’s almost unintelligible…

<…youknowwhatelsegoesonforeverandeverandeveritispaceanditgoesonforeverandeverandever…>

Oh come on Scott! How can I understand green-red-red-blue if you keep floating around like that? Can you do us all a favor and stop being dead for a minute and help us out with the transmission? He doesn’t say anything, obviously. I never knew you could get away with being an a** by being dead. Oh Scott, I’m telling your wife after this is all done.

But you know, I’m kind of getting <…scaredcausethesoundsaregettinglouderandlouder…> and I can barely hear myself scream- I mean, singing when I try to ignore the fact that Scott is dead and the cylinder is getting c-c-crushed from the outside. I’m just thinking of Earth now cause it’s so beautiful there, down there where I know I’m safe and not afraid of the sounds of green-red-red-blue. Oh please m-make it stop. I can’t take the song of green-red-red-blue anymore but it’s alright cause it’s better than the..the..silence of space <…thatisdeepscapeyouknowhowdeepthesilenceis…> and I’m afraid of the cold. I’m afraid of the deep. Cause if you’re staring right at the face of darkness, you know how truly deep it is…

…and it’s getting harder to breathe now that I can barely hear green-red-red-blue and I feel like I want to push myself into space cause the walls are crumbling around me faster than the sound of green-red-red-blue. Lights flashing green-red-red-blue; sounds of approval and disapproval. This cacophony breaks the eternal silence but I long for the Earth below. Down below where Earth is where I want to go, but space is so vast and deep and I’ve always wanted to know how deep it goes. And so I go-go-go-go..

…and Scott knows that it’s the only way to go…

<…greenredredblue…>

…cause he knows that the deep…

<…greenredredblue…>

…even the deepness of space…

<…greenredredblue…>

…has an ending…

Oh, come and take me away!

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